Thoughts from the MRI tube

Oh hello there strangers. I promised I'd update my blog and as I was laying perfectly still in the MRI tube tonight I figured I should right about the random thoughts that went through my mind during that 45 minute test.

• She said this will take 45 minutes, can I sit still that long?
• Here we go, stay really still.
• My eye is itchy. 
• K don’t move.
• Breathe in and out…but don’t move.
• Why is it so cold in here?
• This is almost like being locked up in a casket!
• That was a horrible comparison. Change the subject.
• K I can do this.
• Oh she just talked to me, the next one is 2 minutes.
• K so that means it’s been like 3 minutes so far, almost done.
• I can’t wait to send a picture of the hospital clothes to my friends.
• Was I supposed to tie the gown in the front?
• No, that would make no sense.
• Next round is 3 minutes and she said the machine might move…what does that mean?
• Oh. Kinda like a massage chair!
• Ughgh maybe not.
• So I’m like 8 minutes in by now??
• Oooh this one sounds like a song I’ve heard at the club!
• Dun dun dush dun dun dush dun dun dush.
• Dun dun dush dush dun dush…wait no, that’s not how it goes?
• Are we done yet?
• My eye is itchy. 
• I want to move my legs, maybe I’ll try when she talks next.
• My head…I need to scratch it. Maybe I caught lice from the blanket she put on me.
• Don’t move.
• I wonder if when I swallow it messes anything up.
• I wonder if they can see what I'm thinking of.
• My eye is itchy.
• Oh she’s taking me out! Time for the dye!
• I can move a little!
• Nope, she told me to stay extremely still.
• I hate needles.
• Needle in left arm didn’t hit the vein properly - fuck.
• Now she’s in my right arm.
• Fuck needles.
• Staying still. 
• Why does my arm feel cold?
• Back in the tube. I can do this! She said two more scans!
• Maybe I can fall asleep.
• Nope.
• What if I have to go pee?
• What if I accidentally squeeze the alarm button?
• Omg I should get ice cream after this, I deserve it!
• It’s like -20C out and there’s a foot of snow, ice cream is a bad idea.
• Where did I park again?
• I hope I don't get lost getting out of here.
• How much longer?
• I think I have to pee soon.
• My arm hurts.
• Oh I think it's done!
• Don’t move just in case.
• Smile at the nurse, pretend like you’re fine.
• Whoa this is a completely different nurse.
• I'm so confused.
• Crap, my arm is bleeding.
• I wanna pass out. 
• I should ask for bandaids…for BOTH of my arms.
• Ugh I can’t believe I have holes in both arms.
• Don't fall down.
• Yay I’m free!!
• These pants are kinda comfy, I wonder if I can keep them….

I'm thinking I'll give the MS clinic a call next week to find out if they'll book an appointment to go over my results. And hopefully by the weekend I'll write a real post on an update! So much has happened since my last post!!

What do you usually think of while getting an MRI? Do you fall asleep? Do you hate them the entire time?

happy anniversary!

Over the past two years I've been faithful.  I've never cheated, I've never lied, and the times that I've wanted to give up I worked through it! I've argued and cried and have been hurt a lot.  People say you shouldn't be in an abusive relationship, but all of the ups outweigh any of the downs.

I'm talking about my disease modifying therapy.  It's been 2 years, 312 needles, countless ibuprofen and 0 new lesions on my brain.  As much as I hate having to give myself an injection three times a week, knowing that my disease has slowed down makes it a little bit more reassuring.

Happy anniversary rebif!! It's been a blast! 

#yolo

The phrase 'you only live once' isn't a phrase I like to use often.  It's thrown around and it's a horrible excuse to justify doing stupid things.  But after today, I see a different definition in this overused phrase.

Today I met an older man who was talking about his "sick son" and telling me how he's in wheel chair and has limited mobility, explained how he can't walk and needs to be bathed and fed.  Eventually he told me that his son has Multiple Sclerosis.  When people say something like this, I think they expect you to feel bad for them and start apologizing.  Not me! Every person that sadly says they have MS or their family members do, I speak up and say "so do I!!" with a heartfelt smile on my face.  This threw the man off a bit but his attitude changed and in the friendliest way he told me "it's not that bad."  So we started talking some more, he let me know his son was diagnosed in his early 20s and he's now in his 40s.  

I know this disease affects everyone differently - no one knows when or how it will attack you next - something could happen tomorrow, next week, next year, next decade or not for a really really long time! But you will never know.

On my way home today, the song Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw came on the radio. 

I've always loved this song but today it sunk in a little deeper.  Lately I've been contemplating a lot of things before I do them.  Little things like shopping and cooking to bigger things like friends, work and travel.  I need to stop doing that and I need to live like I'm dying, make decisions based on the fact that there might be a day where I won't be able to do it.  

With that being said, you only live once.  Vegas 2014??

lovelovelove

I tend to go back and read some of my old posts and I often think “wow, that’s good - who wrote that?”. I think I get in a sort of zone when I start writing.  I almost always have a topic in mind, write an entire page and then go back and completely tare it apart and change it all. 

The last post I published ended up being removed.  I felt that I wrote it while I was in a bad mood.  I can almost describe that feeling as if when you go to the grocery store hungry and you buy everything in sight. I was feeling upset so I let it out on this blog.  I did repost it though so I can go back and read it again.  It can remind me of a place I want to stay away from.

I think tonight I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their support.  Each and every one of you that read my tweets or blogs, I am so appreciative!

xxo

confession

I have needle fatigue.

I'm coming up to my 2 year anniversary with my disease modifying therapy and it's getting harder and harder to do my injections.

Each shot only takes a total of 5-10 minutes of my time, and it only hurts for about 30 seconds...but each shot can also keep me up at night or make me feel like I was hit by a truck the next morning or sometimes both.  I get hot flashes during the night, muscle aches and even chills. I take a minimum of a tylenol the night of and an advil the morning after, my poor liver probably doesn't even know what to do with them anymore.

My anxiety has gone through the roof and I'm almost ready to recognize that I might even be borderline pessimistic. I have dry skin, my hair is thinning and I have beautiful red marks on my thighs, stomach and backside.

Over the past 2 years, I've stuck it out and haven't skipped a shot...not even one!!

These shots are getting to me and I'm ready to quit.

2014: the year of Nina.

That's right - this is my year - I can feel it.

In 2013 I turned 25 and moved to a brand new city. I've kept most of my great friends, drifted from a couple and made a few amazing new ones. I went on three memorable vacations to the Bahamas, Cuba and Miami. I spent most of the summer on patios - drinking somersby or sangrias and joking with friends. I had a quarter life crisis and also had my heart broken, both temporarily solved by plenty of retail therapy. I learned how to cook, entertain and host a party. Most importantly, my follow up MRI showed no new lesions stating no progression of my Multiple Sclerosis. 

So much has happened in the past year but I'm happy it's gone and ready to start an even better one.

I'm not one to actually make New Year's resolutions, mine are more like guidelines.  And they don't really start until after my birthday...

This past Sunday I turned 26 which means that Monday I was to start following these guidelines.  They're fairly basic and mostly common sense.

circa 1995

Let's review this list I've come up with:

• do what's best for me, not what's best for everyone else
• make coffee at work every day instead of buying it
• learn to say no.
• before buying shoes, clothes, purses, makeup, nail polish, or housewares, ask myself if I actually need it
• remind myself that I don't need new shoes, clothes, purses, makeup, nail polish and housewares...even if it's on sale...I don't need it.
• stay away from every guy that broke my heart in the past as they will just do it again and again and again
• eat healthier; completely cut out gluten and dairy
• get physical.
• volunteer, get more involved with the MS society
• be a better blogger

Bring it on, 2014!

pumpkin

(I guess I wrote this one back in September but never posted it...so here it is!)

I can't believe how quickly time has been passing.  Feels like yesterday I was my blog regularly when it's actually been a few months!! Sorry folks.

The leaves are changing colour, my heat has kicked on, the scarves and boots have been pulled out of storage and I'm craving pumpkin spice everything.  These are all signs of my favourite season - autumn.  The fall time usually meant summer break ending, school starting and seeing my friends on a regular basis.  The fall also brings my MS anniversary.  Three years ago I spent a chilly fall night on a hospital bed waiting to see the neurologist.

Looking back at my biggest MS symptoms, they all seemed to come around the same time of year.  Is the fall really that stressful of a time of year for me? Is it the climate? Allergies? All of the above?  I guess I'll never actually know.  Is anyone else finding a pattern to their disease??

This past week I've noticed my legs starting to feel funny.  I don't even know how to describe the feeling, maybe fuzzy with a touch of burning and throw in a bit of weakness and unsteadiness.  Fairly stressful if you ask me...


******
Update since I last wrote this post:

So I finally called the MS clinic as my legs were not getting any better.  They insisted that I go to see my physician to rule out infection and to firstly rule out a urinary tract infection.  Now, normally you have symptoms associated with a uti so I was convinced this time it was a full relapse and the specialist didn't know what they were talking about.  But of course, they were right.  The walk-in clinic doctor seemed shocked that I didn't have any real symptoms but he put me on a round of antibiotics and the fuzzy feeling in my legs slowly disappeared.

Guess I'm relieved it wasn't an actual relapse and now I know to see my doctor before I start to panic...and I'll go sooner rather than later.