confession

I have needle fatigue.

I'm coming up to my 2 year anniversary with my disease modifying therapy and it's getting harder and harder to do my injections.

Each shot only takes a total of 5-10 minutes of my time, and it only hurts for about 30 seconds...but each shot can also keep me up at night or make me feel like I was hit by a truck the next morning or sometimes both.  I get hot flashes during the night, muscle aches and even chills. I take a minimum of a tylenol the night of and an advil the morning after, my poor liver probably doesn't even know what to do with them anymore.

My anxiety has gone through the roof and I'm almost ready to recognize that I might even be borderline pessimistic. I have dry skin, my hair is thinning and I have beautiful red marks on my thighs, stomach and backside.

Over the past 2 years, I've stuck it out and haven't skipped a shot...not even one!!

These shots are getting to me and I'm ready to quit.

2014: the year of Nina.

That's right - this is my year - I can feel it.

In 2013 I turned 25 and moved to a brand new city. I've kept most of my great friends, drifted from a couple and made a few amazing new ones. I went on three memorable vacations to the Bahamas, Cuba and Miami. I spent most of the summer on patios - drinking somersby or sangrias and joking with friends. I had a quarter life crisis and also had my heart broken, both temporarily solved by plenty of retail therapy. I learned how to cook, entertain and host a party. Most importantly, my follow up MRI showed no new lesions stating no progression of my Multiple Sclerosis. 

So much has happened in the past year but I'm happy it's gone and ready to start an even better one.

I'm not one to actually make New Year's resolutions, mine are more like guidelines.  And they don't really start until after my birthday...

This past Sunday I turned 26 which means that Monday I was to start following these guidelines.  They're fairly basic and mostly common sense.

circa 1995

Let's review this list I've come up with:

• do what's best for me, not what's best for everyone else
• make coffee at work every day instead of buying it
• learn to say no.
• before buying shoes, clothes, purses, makeup, nail polish, or housewares, ask myself if I actually need it
• remind myself that I don't need new shoes, clothes, purses, makeup, nail polish and housewares...even if it's on sale...I don't need it.
• stay away from every guy that broke my heart in the past as they will just do it again and again and again
• eat healthier; completely cut out gluten and dairy
• get physical.
• volunteer, get more involved with the MS society
• be a better blogger

Bring it on, 2014!

pumpkin

(I guess I wrote this one back in September but never posted it...so here it is!)

I can't believe how quickly time has been passing.  Feels like yesterday I was my blog regularly when it's actually been a few months!! Sorry folks.

The leaves are changing colour, my heat has kicked on, the scarves and boots have been pulled out of storage and I'm craving pumpkin spice everything.  These are all signs of my favourite season - autumn.  The fall time usually meant summer break ending, school starting and seeing my friends on a regular basis.  The fall also brings my MS anniversary.  Three years ago I spent a chilly fall night on a hospital bed waiting to see the neurologist.

Looking back at my biggest MS symptoms, they all seemed to come around the same time of year.  Is the fall really that stressful of a time of year for me? Is it the climate? Allergies? All of the above?  I guess I'll never actually know.  Is anyone else finding a pattern to their disease??

This past week I've noticed my legs starting to feel funny.  I don't even know how to describe the feeling, maybe fuzzy with a touch of burning and throw in a bit of weakness and unsteadiness.  Fairly stressful if you ask me...


******
Update since I last wrote this post:

So I finally called the MS clinic as my legs were not getting any better.  They insisted that I go to see my physician to rule out infection and to firstly rule out a urinary tract infection.  Now, normally you have symptoms associated with a uti so I was convinced this time it was a full relapse and the specialist didn't know what they were talking about.  But of course, they were right.  The walk-in clinic doctor seemed shocked that I didn't have any real symptoms but he put me on a round of antibiotics and the fuzzy feeling in my legs slowly disappeared.

Guess I'm relieved it wasn't an actual relapse and now I know to see my doctor before I start to panic...and I'll go sooner rather than later.

don't forget to remember me

There are days that I forget I even have MS.  It doesn't happen too often, and especially not on Tuesday, Thursday or Sunday since my phone reminds me it's shot night.  I don't forget when I'm at the gym running on the treadmill and my legs go numb or when I'm carrying something and I realize I can't feel my hands.  But the odd time I'm so in the moment that I completely forget all about my MS symptoms.  Oh how I love those days.

People that know about my disease tend to forget too - although, way more often.  I'm coming across this in my workplace at the moment.  I'm so close to emailing my coworkers and management "I HAVE MS. LEAVE ME ALONE OR LEND ME A HAND."  Most of my colleagues have known I have MS since my diagnosis and not too long ago I came out to the rest of the company.  But the novelty of my post they all read over 6 months ago has warn off.  I find that now if I ever ask for a bit of help, I get eye rolls.  Even my boss has managed to push me to my limit and has completely *stressed me out that I've had to see my physician for a prescription of something to calm me down.  (*Stress + MS = bad) 

I guess I am mostly to blame.  I'm the type of person that if you ask me to jump I ask you how high.  I'm that person that shows up early, works through lunch and stays later.  I offer to help, even when I don't have time to - I always make time to help.  People notice this and forget that I still get the worst stabbing pain behind my eye halfway through the day or that I've dropped the pen/paper clip/business card numerous times because my hands are numb or even that I've stumbled into the same wall at least four times before lunch.  These little symptoms can often impact my whole day and slow me down.

MS is an invisible disease and as much as I don't want to get treated differently, I do want people to sometimes back off.  Is it so bad I feel this way?  Are there days you just want to remind people??

what's wrong with you?!

    Most of my friends, coworkers and family know what's "wrong" with me.  Either they've asked, found out through the grape vine or I've flat out told them.  It makes it easier for me knowing that I don't have to explain to them why I can't stay out to late on Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday, or why I'm so tired at 2pm in the afternoon.  Since moving to a new city and making new friends, I'm being questioned about my injection marks or excuses regarding not going out and I simply answer with "it's a long story" or "don't worry about it".  Now that seems like a pretty simple answer, but no, that usually sparks a reply of "I've got time, tell me".

   Basically I have an autoimmune disorder called multiple sclerosis.  The wiring in my brain "short circuits" and some signals don't get sent properly to the rest of my body.  Symptoms of MS can range from muscle weakness, loss in coordination, fatigue, vision problems and even paralysis.  Some people experience acute symptoms and others have chronic symptoms that don't always go away.  There is no way to know when another relapse can happen or even what part of the body it will affect.

     Neither a cause or cure is known and I take a medication that slows down the progression of the disease.  It is taken by subcutaneous injection (just below the skin) three times a week and there are a few side effects which I try to sleep off with an ibuprofen.  I'm not contagious nor am I dying.  I've learned to accept this disease and am in a much better place than I was over a year ago (proof of this is in my very first blog posts).  I can finally talk about MS and I am always willing to answer questions to the best of my knowledge.  If it wasn't for the support of my friends, family, colleagues and twitter crew, I would not be in the zone I am today.  I'm so grateful; everything happens for a reason and you must learn to adapt and overcome. 

   #beatMS

london fog

I'm currently sitting in a William's cafe in London and I felt it was fitting to order a "London Fog" - with soy of course!  I'm here hoping that a change of scenery will help me write my new big important blog.  What better way to procrastinate than to update this blog first?!  It was a long weekend and I took an extra few days to reorganize my place and just enjoy the city.

London really is a cute little town!  Everything is about 15-20 minutes away...everything.  One mall is maybe 5 minutes closer but the city planners managed to make both malls equally necessary to go to.  For example one has Forever 21 but the other one has H&M, or they both have The Bay but one store doesn't have housewares so you have to go to the other one.

The downtown is a cute area as well, lots of little shops, cafes and restaurants.  Now I just need to make more local friends so I have someone else to enjoy them with!  I do have a few friends here already, but  people have their own lives and I can't constantly bother these friends.  Luckily my Windsor friends are still amazing and have come to visit almost every other weekend.

The past few days I've really gotten extra strict with my gluten and dairy free diet.  So far I'm going strong!  I cleared out my fridge and cupboards so I can't even cheat at home if I tried.  The most difficult is when I'm out with friends.  I have also increased my exercising!  I'm doing workout videos in my living room (I realllyyyy hope that the apartment below me cannot hear me doing jumping jacks...) and today I went for a 3km walk and jogged a total of 5 minutes of that.  The walking is getting easier but the jogging made my legs feel like a bowl of jello and I couldn't concentrate on my steps.  I got nervous that I'd trip and fall so I slowed back down to a walk.  They didn't build rome in one day, right?  Just need to be patient with my body.

If I have time today I want to swing by the MS society.  I've taken a peak at their website but I do better when someone explains things that pertain to me and I don't have to weed through other information.  Speaking of MS society, our MS walk team raised a total of $3400!!! I'm so happy :)

update.

Yesterday was the start of week five.  I've finally gotten a hang of things like cooking, laundry, working and cleaning.  I find that I've been so busy that I haven't even had a minute to sit down and enjoy my new place.

One of my biggest fears with moving was that the stress of bigger responsibilities and a new job would lead to a relapse.  Unfortunately all of this busy-ness and increase in activity has spiked a bit more of my symptoms but luckily nothing too serious.  Like usual, my hands are affected the most.  Currently they are buzzing and just have this general feeling of ache, I don't even know how to explain it.  Plus when I'm walking longer distances, my legs have this "asleep" sensation.  Both things are mostly just a nuisance.

I'm really trying to change my diet for the better, but it's a lot more difficult than I thought!! Friends want to go out to eat and share appetizers and I always says "just this once, I'll be better tomorrow".  From now on I will be obedient and say no!  The whole exercise thing is going slowly.  With the nicer weather, I am starting to walk to/from work! Plus I found a friend to go for walks with after work down by the river.  Next week I'm hoping to have caught up on sleep and I can start waking up earlier to do a quick 30 minute workout video.

Oh PS - the MS walk was on the weekend.  My team of 4 people raised over $3400!!! I'm SO grateful for everyone that supported me by donation, by walking or just by wishing me good luck.  Next year I'll be volunteering...

That is all for now, just wanted to do a quick update.